By Jami Zeller
Plastic chairs squeak and voices murmur in the newly installed tent in the back of the Chabad at the University of Florida as Rabbi Berl Goldman shouts, “Boys, girls: mingle! Meet your future husbands, your future wives!”
Students exchange knowing glances. They are not switching tables, and they are not meeting their future husbands or wives tonight.
UF’s Jewish student population is the largest in the country, inspiring many students to enroll. With the rise in antisemitism across American universities, UF is somewhat of a haven: a place to join a strong Jewish community, make Jewish friends and potentially, meet a nice Jewish boy or girl.
The concept of an “NJB,” or Nice Jewish Boy, is firmly implanted in the modern Jewish American cultural zeitgeist, and of course, in the hypothetical checkboxes for the potential boyfriend of a nice Jewish girl. Though internet definitions vary in tone and appeal, there is consensus that an NJB is someone worthy of parental introduction.
“[An NJB is] someone who has good Jewish values, raised with the culture of understanding how to connect to their community and be proud of their Judaism,” said Lexi Jacobson, a 20-year-old international business sophomore from Warren, New Jersey.
Though some Jewish Gators struggle to find their suitors, many have proven to be successful. Single students, including myself, wonder: how did they find their NJBs, and sometimes ask deprecatingly, why not me?
I conducted a survey of 100 Jewish University of Florida students to determine, quantifiably, what they look for in relationships, and more importantly, how these relationships are found. Respondents were asked to rank values, assess the importance of dating “members of the tribe,” and share how they met their significant others. After analyzing the results, the ways students meet could be broken down into six broader categories.
Where Did You Meet Your Nice Jewish Significant Other?
The data shows that the most common way Jewish students meet is on purpose. Thirty percent of Jewish students were set up in some capacity, whether by friends, family or Greek life connections. Hallie Goldstein, a 19-year-old marketing sophomore, met her boyfriend through a family connection. Both of their grandparents live in the same Boynton Beach community, and after discovering their grandchildren both went to UF, they encouraged the two to meet. They ran into each other at his Zeta Beta Tau fraternity event.
“It’s a really sweet story, a Jewish grandparent connection. It’s every grandparent’s dream,” Goldstein said.
Closely following this statistic is the 19% of Jewish students who meet their significant others at Jewish student organizations on campus, like Chabad UF or Schilit Hillel at UF.
David Caine, a 20-year-old journalism sophomore from Tampa, met his girlfriend at Hillel after being introduced by a childhood friend.
“We started talking. We went to a Chabad post [a hangout after Friday night dinner] that night and just kept talking,” Caine said. “One thing led to another, and we started dating.”
Eli Borojovich and Lexi Jacobson, both sophomores, met at Chabad. He approached her table, overcoming his nerves, and invited her to his upcoming fraternity tailgate.
“I didn’t think she would actually come, but she did. And after that, we started talking,” Borojovich said.
16% of Jewish students meet on dating apps, much to their chagrin. One senior met her boyfriend on Tinder, she recounts with some embarrassment.
“I didn’t even meet him through a ‘Jewish’ way,” she said.
The concept of using a dating app to meet your significant other is not “un-Jewish” at all, though not as explicit as the 28% of students who met in “Jewish” ways. Dating apps are, in a way, a modern equivalent to a “shidduch,” the Jewish custom of matchmaking. While Jewish-centred platforms like JSwipe seemingly wane in popularity, the secular Hinge and Bumble offer filters where users can see exclusively Jewish matches in addition to their interests, hobbies, and, of course, looks.
“I thought he was cute, and he was the only boy who messaged me that didn’t want to hook up with me,” she said. “He was like, ‘Do you want to go on a date?’ and I was like, ‘aww.’”
Some Jewish students, 13%, started dating more organically. Daniella Burger, a 21-year-old junior from Hollywood, Florida, started dating her boyfriend after a miscommunication at a mutual friend’s sign night (a 21st birthday party). She misheard his question about going out (to the bar) as an inquiry about whether she was going out (with anyone), to which he decided to talk up a “friend of his.”
“I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, tell me more,’ and I think he took that as flirting,” Burger said. “I didn’t know that he was talking about himself.”
And the rest, as in each of these situations, is history.
Is it Important to Date a Jew?
Overall, UF students find it important to date someone Jewish, even those in relationships with people who aren’t. According to my research, 91% of students in Jewish relationships find it important or extremely important to date within the tribe. 20% percent of students in interfaith relationships still find it just as important.
Halachically, or based on Jewish law, there is a prohibition on intermarriage (Deuteronomy 7:3-4). Many cultures, Judaism included, place importance on endogamy, the sociological phenomenon of marrying within your own culture. It is easier to maintain traditions and customs when they are shared. Among students, the desire to date Jewish is somewhat intrinsic and somewhat external, the cultural and parental pressure morphing into their own stubborn philosophies. The importance students place on Jewish relationships is intertwined with the importance of starting a Jewish family.
“You never know where the relationship would go,” Borojovich, 19, said. “If it does end up going far, it really matters to me, because, at the end of the day, I want my kids to be Jewish.”
And, of course, this tenet often emerges later. 62% of Jewish students placed more value on dating a Jew after being in a Jewish relationship.
“I didn’t realize how important it would be until I started dating her,” Caine, 20, said. “In high school, I wasn’t as connected to my Jewish side as I am now. Reconnecting with that and being able to be Jewish with my girlfriend, who was also Jewish, made me realize how important it is to me.”
Many students’ desire to date Jewish people is based on the future, on having Jewish kids one day. For many, this notion seems to overshadow the present of Jewish relationships. Others, though, were able to articulate the beauty of the moment.
“There are so many things that can be difficult with a relationship in college or when you’re young,” Jacobson said. “By having a shared foundation of values and understanding of the world, you automatically are more likely to be the right person for each other.”
When students can share values with each other, they can also share their day-to-day lives. Jacobson and Borojovich recently spent Shabbat with his family and made matzah ball soup together. Goldstein goes to events at Chabad and Hillel with her boyfriend. Burger finds it convenient that her boyfriend can cook Kosher meals for her in the absence of Kosher restaurants in Gainesville.
“There has to be something said about wanting to keep that kind of spirit and Jewish joy alive, and one way to do that is to find your partner who is also Jewish, who shares the same values as you, who can understand your experience being Jewish, who can raise your kids being Jewish,” Caine said. “I feel like it really helps to foster the next generation of Jews who are proud of their identity and don’t shy away from the world.”
How Do I Find My Nice Jewish Significant Other?
For some, UF’s environment helps cultivate Jewish relationships.
“I’m so glad to go to such a Jewish school, because there are so many Jewish people for everyone to date.” Goldstein said, “It definitely made it easier being here at UF.”
Burger disagrees.
“I don’t think that relationships are so much encouraged by the environment,” she said. “I think that because people are all in similar friend groups, they have a hard time taking that first step and going on dates with people because they don’t want it to be awkward within their friend group.”
For the single Jewish Gators, this definitely rings true. Among the 65% of single UF students who find it extremely important to date someone Jewish, 100% have (probably) found it a lost cause. As a representative for those on the lookout, I concur.
Our experts offer some words of wisdom on the matter:
“I don’t think a relationship necessarily comes when you’re looking for it. I think the best things in life come unexpectedly.”
“Don’t stay gravitated on the fact that ‘I’m gonna find my person here,’ and ‘I need to find my person by this time in this specific place with these specific people,’ because then you’re not gonna branch out, you’re not gonna meet other people, and you’re not gonna see the amazing opportunities that are out there.”
“It’s easy to say that you want to be in a relationship, but if you don’t make the effort to be in a relationship at all, it’s not going to always just naturally come to you.”
“Treat it like we’re in freshman year again and you still want to go out and meet new people. Get out of your bubble.”
“Put yourself out there, and you never know. Life is short; we’re all in college. [If] you like someone, go up to them and see what happens.”
“I think that attraction grows. If you’re looking for the perfect man, you’re just not gonna find someone who’s perfect. Just go for it, even if you’re like, ‘maybe he’s not where I want him to be.’ You guys can grow together.”
So, how do you find your NJB? Don’t be picky, put yourself out there, and sometimes, stop looking. And always go to Shabbat dinner.
Jami Zeller is a rising third-year student studying sociology and Jewish studies at the University of Florida, minoring in nonprofit organizational leadership and mass communication studies. In her spare time (what spare time?), she loves breaking awkward silences, taking long naps and making people laugh.